I have grown up in a wonderful, Catholic family whose love and support have carried me through great times and some hard times. Going to mass is a part of my weekly routine, and I've never had a fall-away and return to the Church. The Lord has kept me close--and for good reason. I can only imagine where I'd be right now if it weren't for His love, mercy, and grace.

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Thanks to my humanity, I don't always return that same love to Him. In fact, a major reason I am typing this testimony right now is because I have not always loved Him or others well. I'll begin the story in high school. Early on in freshman year, even the year prior in eighth grade, I sought the attention and admiration of others. Why? I'm not entirely sure! (Probably some middle-child thing.) When I found the attention and admiration of others I clung to it. I specifically loved the attention from other girls and the thrill of being wanted/sought after. This desire to be loved, I thought, could only be fulfilled in a physical relationship, and it never even crossed my mind that God Himself wanted to love me. I was a teenage boy. Why on earth would I have thought of that? The desire for attention and admiration seeped into my daily life as I tried to do every extra-curricular activity and sport and do well academically in order to be loved by everyone around me.

 

And one day, while I was sick and home from school, I felt this deep loneliness. There was no one to smile at, no one to smile back at me, no one to wink at or flirt with, no one to impress. And I felt alone. Alone and bored (two avenues of temptation for me to this day). At the time, I did not know what I was doing, but there was a thrill in this act that I would later learn to call masturbating. This freedom from loneliness and constant-aspiration felt great. And then it didn't. I hid this roller-coaster from everyone I knew for nearly 6 years. 

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I did not know that it was a sin, let alone a mortal one, but I knew that I had to hide it. Then, suddenly, girls began coming into the picture and I was enamored by the affection they would give me, and I began to seek it out more and more. Eventually, I became attached to the late-night texting, the impure acts within the relationship, and I assumed it was normal among my peers. Heck, it might've been normal, but I knew that I had to hide it and somewhere in my head and my heart, I knew it was wrong.

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After two years of one-relationship-after-another, I thought I found the storybook true love. The brokenness with which I entered the relationship would eventually lead to the relationship's end four years later. What I had learned and became accustomed to in previous relationships, I brought into this one. And the desire for attention and affirmation was still there, carrying me along like the bass in a song that loops over and over. 

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This relationship, to no surprise, ended badly. I couldn't let go of my inordinate desire for increasing amounts of earthy affirmation and love and eventually that selfishness and jealousy turned into a bone-headed decision. I was unfaithful to my girlfriend, and fell into a shame and depression that ate at me for a long, long time. In the midst of it all, I began to party more often, drink, and smoke to numb whatever I was feeling at the time, but most importantly, to numb the shame. The cyclical nature of shame would rear its ugly head  and I'd fall into pornography use and masturbation daily. 

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At the beginning of the summer of leading into my senior year at college, everything had calmed down and I had felt fine (when in reality, there were still many wounds yet to be addressed). During August of that year, I was invited to adopt a life of daily prayer. It was incredible. I had finally felt some semblance of peace and security, but I still wouldn't address my pornography usage and masturbation. 

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Then, in December of that year, I began dating the woman who would later become my wife. Praise be to God, I was open with her about my struggles with purity, and praised be Him even more, for she responded, and continues to respond with mercy, love, and understanding. I am still on my journey to recovery, and still struggling with my addiction, but through God's love and mercy, my wife's love and mercy, and the PULLS group itself, I am on my pathway to peace. The journey is taxing, but I've found it to be worthwhile. What I've learned most is that there can be a deep, rooted hope that can drive us to purity. The Father sees the aching for peace in my heart, and He loves me (and you!) so, so much. 

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I hope to see you at a meeting soon. Know the Father delights in you, friend.