My Story

What It Was Like

    Unlike many of my Catholic brothers and sisters, I was not brought up in a Christian home; in fact, I remember my mother mocking Christians and judging them as being brainless and lacking. Being brought up in an anti-Christian environment, my brothers and I had no solid grounds for moral decisions.

Without God’s clearly defined, moral boundaries, one person’s opinion was as valid as the next.  So, as a child, I tried to behave according to the values modeled by my parents.   

   When I was 9 or 10 years old, I discovered sex.  While I wouldn’t dare question my parents’ authority or opinions directly, I chose to be secretly independent and make up my own standards regarding all matters sexual. In retrospect, I was too young to comprehend the spiritually devastating impact that my new found compulsion with sex would have on my future. 

   Sexual thoughts and behaviors provided a type of intoxication that allowed me to escape, and temporarily eliminate my anxiety and depression. Sex became a release; a relief; comfort; an escape; a seemingly safe hiding place. 

   From the beginning, I knew that my sexual obsession was not something adults (and particularly my parents) would allow; so, rather than stop, I became extraordinarily talented at concealing and denying my sexual thoughts and behaviors.

     I grew up during the Godless, “free-love culture” of the 1960s. So, I followed social norms, rather than the will of God, Who I didn’t really know.  Even then, I sensed a painful emptiness in my heart, but was unable or unwilling to recognize that my deepest cravings were for God.  Sex, along with alcohol, appeared to fill that emptiness, but when the intoxication wore off, I felt emptier than before. I was blind to the fact that every drink and every acting out experience was driving a wedge between God and me.

My Turnaround

   In my late 20s, I got a job in the same building that housed the youth programming for the Diocese of Duluth (Minnesota).  Priests and nuns, Catholic young people, and retreat staff members were constantly in the vicinity.  They had that something that I had desired with all my heart throughout my entire life:  Christian Fellowship, faith, belonging, direction, serenity.  It showed all over them.  I wanted what they had. I thirsted for Jesus, for His Truth and for peace in my heart.  God responded by pouring immeasurable graces into this parched, thirsty heart, but I knew the road ahead would not be easy. 

   At the time of my conversion, many painful consequences of my sinful past descended upon me all at once. I checked myself into treatment for alcoholism and experienced God’s amazing healing power during times of darkness.  I drank in His love, immersed myself into the fellowship, and made two of the most significant commitments of my life: my Baptism and my Marriage to the one Catholic woman that God brought into my life.

    At 30 years old, I married my lovely Catholic bride. The fact that I “knew” numerous women (in the biblical sense) and had a habitual and addictive pattern of sexual behavior, brought heavy sexual baggage into our marriage.  My newfound Christian conviction that human beings are not meant to be objectified, conflicted with my history.  

   Becoming Catholic, and married life changed me in many wonderful ways; however, not all my sexually habitual and addictive thoughts and behaviors magically went away. I had experienced some healing in my new found relationship with God.  But, as I tried to moderate.  That didn’t fully work.  I tried to quit.  That failed.  In retrospect, I know I was unable to let go of all my sinful sexual behaviors, partly because they were so hard-wired into my being. More importantly, I was failing because I was trying to gain purity on my own.  I couldn’t seek help for my sexual powerlessness and unmanageability because I was so secretive about it.  I was secretive because I was so ashamed. 

   I passionately implored God to help me.  

   My wife was deeply hurt by what she saw of my behaviors, and our relationship was strained; yet, we both sensed that our love for each other, rooted in our faith, would prevail.  

What Finally Happened

    I have fought depression, OCD, and anxiety disorders my whole life, but concealed them by displaying charm, competence, a wacky sense of humor, and strong leadership.  In my mid-fifties, disaster fell upon me.  A woman sexually assaulted me…and I froze.  I felt that I had an affair.  I had flirted with the woman and concluded that I made it happen. I guessed that I was asking for it.  I completely lost faith in myself and questioned whether I really had any honest Christian values.  I became horribly depressed.  I confessed my sin repeatedly, because I never seemed cleansed.  I binged on pornography about once every 4 months or so, apparently to have some control over my sexuality.  Not so.

   I made a deal with God that if my wife would never know about what happened (I didn’t want to hurt her) I would do everything in my power to bring honor to God by living a sexually pure life. And I succeeded to a degree.  My sexual sins decreased considerably, yet I remained gravely depressed, anxious, and my obsessive/compulsive nonsexual behaviors worsened  This continued for 7 ½ years, the last year of which I obsessed about purgutory and about my wife finding out about my infidelity.  

   April 11, 2016 was the worst day of my life and the best day of my life.  God brought about a miracle: I tearfully confessed my infidelity to my wife. I surrendered unconditionally.  Every secret was revealed and Truth was the foundation on which God was calling me.  She was devastated, but she chose to deal with me with her maturity.  Her response and God’s presence saved me.  

What it is Like Now

   By the grace of God, I have been chaste since 4/11/16.  God has brought healing into my life in ways I never thought possible.  When I allowed God to take the reins, I was free to serve Him with no reservations. The Holy Spirit directed me to help other Catholic men who were burdened by sexual sin.  Thanks initially to my wife and Fr. Mike Schmitz, I devoted my life to God, my marriage, and to PULLS. 

   The men of PULLS are a fellowship of men who respect my pilgrimage from sexual powerlessness and unmanageability to living and loving sacrificially through Jesus Christ.  They care. They call me to check in and we text each other frequently. We have all battled similar “demons” and know each other’s pain, struggles, and challenges.  We are excited to share our hope, strength and experience and frequently say or hear precisely the words we need to say or hear, for healing to happen, because the Holy Spirit is present at every meeting.  He knows our hearts, loves us as we need to be loved, and teaches us how to love as He does.  We no longer have to carry the shame, secrecy and duality of our former lives.  Our old habits are fading away and being replaced by Godly living.  We understand our Church’s teachings and doctrines because we discuss them and watch many of them being lived out in each other. We support successes and learn from slips and failures.  We feel safe and encouraged being PULLS people.  We are never alone when fellow children of God are a message, call, or text away.  We are a brotherhood fighting the same battles with the power of God.

   We were prisoners in a web of sin, deceit, hypocrisy and addictive behaviors.  We now cherish and embrace freedom!  Praise the Lord!